Lord of the Rings: Recast

[TheGuyWhoCanFly]

Psanker, me, and some other folks were up on the server recasting Lord of the Rings. So now we are putting it up here so you guys can share in the laughs if you get them and add more.

Locations:
Middle Earth - Mall: because when we take the hobbits to Isengard we need to buy new shoes.
Gondor - Bed, Bath and Beyond: what lies beyond the beds and the baths is hope, and sales.
Minas Tirith - Big 5
Mordor - Sears: Figure it out yourself.
Rivendell - JJill: Of course the elves would specialize in women's fashion.
Lothlorien - Macy's: Lothlorien is just a bigger Rivendell.
Rohan - Mall Security: Riders of Rohan, mount your segways and golf carts!
Dead Marshes - Parking Lot by the Trash: Nuff' said.
Isengard - Lowes: Ask Bellamy.
Helms Deep - Cinnabon: Everyone's last resort.
Minas Morgul - Hot Topic: I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Dwimorberg - Borders: The dead men of Dunharrow still have yet to serve.

Characters:
Saruman - Stephen Colbert: I am Saruman and so can you!
Sauron - Jon Stewart: See the dots we are connecting?
Grima Wormtongue - Steve Carrell: Just like the old days.
Witch King - Tracy Morgan: No man can kill him.
Nazgul- Lewis Black: He is loud and angry.
-Alan Rickman: Hello, it's Alan Rickman.
-Time Allen: It's tool time!
-Richard Kain: Oh you bet Tim.
-Andy Dick: Always around when no one wants him.
-Bryan Cranston: If he can make meth, then he can deal death.
-Zach Braff with Donald Faison: It's guy love between two guys!
Balrog - Alec Baldwin: I feel it matches his ego.
The Watcher in the Water - Octomom: Bad dum tish!
Shelob - Rosie O'Donnell: Kill it!, Kill it with fire!
Cave Trolle in Moria - Robert Downey Jr.
Gandalf - Jeff Bridges: Frodo, man, you must take the ring to Mount Doom and then we can bowl and have white russians.
Frodo - Louis C.K.: Fuck the ring!
Sam - Zach Galifianakis: He lives in the hills of North Carolina, has a beard, and is fat.
Mary and Pippin - Cheech and Chong: Mordor, screw that lets go to mars.
Bilbo - Danny deVito: Short, crazy, and angry.
Aragorn - John Travolta: The Pulp Fiction version.
Legolas - Samuel L. Jackson: Say what one more time!
Gimli - Jack Black: Loud, fat, hairy.
Gollum - Jack Nicholson: Here's Gollum!
Robin Williams - Robin Williams: (Narrating with Morgan Freeman)
Arwen - Harrison Ford: Hot stuff.
Galudriel - Elton John: Things just got fabulous.
Celeborn - Neil Patrick Harris: Double the fun with NPH.
Elrond - Bill Murray: Bill Murray.
Denethor II - Nick Cage: He was burning as Ghost Rider, and now he will burn as the Steward of Gondor.
Faramir - Daniel Craig: We needed someone handsome to ride forth against a bunch of orcs and almost die.
Boromir - Sean Connery: A tale of two bonds.
Theoden - Chevy Chase: Old but still around.
Eowyn - Kari Matchett: Age with beauty.
Eomir - Patrick Stewart: The better version of Shatner.
Shadowfax - Jonah Hill: This is how he lost the weight.
Eagle 1 - Liam Neeson: He is the Oscar Schindler of Hobbits.
Eagle 2 - Liam Neeson: Fifty Shades of the Grey.
Eagle 3 - Liam Neeson: He keeps appearing in roles that don't suit him.
Eagle 4 - Liam Neeson: He is in a lot of movies.
Treebeard - John Goodman: We got Bridges, so we need need Goodman.
Bombadli - Gene Wilder: The real world Bombadli
Radaghast the Brown - De Niro: Are you talking to me? Because nobody talks to me...
Extras - Tom Hanks, John Hamm, Gregory Peck, Kevin James, Dwayne Johnson, and Orson Welles.
Elves - Sir Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee.
Dwarves - Peter Dinklage.
Uruk-hai - Elvis, the cast of Horatio Hornblower, and the great American philosopher Dave Chapelle.
Orcs - Drifters and homeless people
Goblins - Cosplayers

Crew:
Directors - Wes Anderson, James Cameron, and Clint Eastwood
Producers - Christopher Lloyd, John Malkovich, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Google
Composers - Weird Al with Randy Newman for lyrics, Claude Debussy, Igor Stravinsky, Philip Glass, John Adams, and Steve Reich
Musicians - All the good ones from the 20th century (No Kenny G and Michael Buble)
SFX and Audio - Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry, BIll Cosby, and Bobby McFerrin
Costumes - David Bowie ft. Paul McCartney
Makeup - Generic Pornstar
CGI/Animation/Special Effects -Pixar, Hayao Miyazaki, Chuck JOnes, Industrial Light and Magic, and Gabe Newell
Cinematography - Kevin Smith
Screenplay - Kevin Costner, Ethan Hawke, Dr. Suess, Raymond Chandler and Ray Bradbury
Lighting - Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
Set Design - Aardman Studios and Ikea
Food - Anthony Bourdain, Chef Ramsay, Alton Brown, Thomas Keller, James Beard, and Ferran Adria
Drinks - Dean Martin
Scientists - Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson
Security - Paul Blart and Dwayne Johnson (Who shall not receive double pay when working as an extra)
Artwork - Andy Warhol, Jackson Pollock, Gary Larson, Leonardo daVinci, and Bob Ross
Ads - Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and Michael J. Fox
Trainers - Richard Simmons and some Olympians

That is all we got so far, feel free to comment, laugh, and add, and once we get bored we can do another recast or something.
We also still need scenes.